I spent all day yesterday trying to get the birthing party for Special Agent Dos started. I cleaned Bug's room and re-organized his wardrobe to make room for all things 0-3 months. I dusted. I organized the linen closet. I walked a mile to buy a shower curtain and then a mile home. I ate all the spicy parts of my green papaya salad with my Thai take-out dinner.
Then, around 10pm, Bug woke up crying.
I made the call to go in after about a minute instead of waiting longer to see if he could self-soothe back to sleep. Bug seemed distressed and definitely did not want to go back to sleep in his own room. He even requested (adamantly) a lullaby [and then said his ears hurt . . . I chalk that timing up to coincidence and try not to take it as further confirmation that my singing voice is not meant for public consumption]. Eventually, he was saying, "Momma bed. Momma bed. Momma bed." When your two-year-old is a little smoosh in your arms and saying in his littlest voice, "Momma bed," you generally acquiesce. So I did. He slept between me and my husband with his head at the foot of the bed and his feet toward our heads.
While I was trying to console Bug, and before he ended up in our room, I stopped wishing that I would go into labor last night. It seemed like Bug needed me -- which led to a rush of advance guilt for the potential that, one night soon, I might go to the hospital while Bug is sleeping. What if he wakes up in the night asking for me, and I am already gone? Even if he just wakes up in the morning, what if he is confused and a little sad that my husband and I are not there?
Then I realized that chances are greater that I will go into labor while the Bug is asleep or at school than while he is with me or my husband. What if I go into labor while Bug is at school, and then he is confused and a little sad that neither my husband or I pick him up that afternoon because we are at the hospital?
Ultimately, the question I have is: How I am going to handle The Great Attention Divide that will be necessary after the arrival of Special Agent Dos? Especially at night? What if Bug needs me at night? I will have a newborn who needs me, too.
I know I have my husband to help. I know that all of us simply will have to make adjustments to life as Four instead of Three. I believe we will find our new family rhythm even if there are a few (only a few, please) hiccups along the way. Plus, I cannot wait to meet Special Agent Dos on the outside, and I am so excited to see the Fraggle Bug and Special Agent Dos become friends and play together. It's just those first few bumps in the transition that are making me anxious.
But I have to remember what my husband told me a while ago. He said not to worry. He said that even though there might be some rough spots for the Bug, he will not remember them. He will only remember always having had a little brother.