Have you ever asked yourself, "How can I be late to work? What are the steps I should take to ensure tardiness? I have a fairly flexible job, but I would really like to push the boundaries and see what happens."
Of course not.
Neither have I.
Yet I found myself lost this morning, unmoored from any semblance of routine, and a bit later than expected.
I woke up at 6 am to the sounds of Squish - something along the lines of "MOMMA! MOMMA! [Do you hear me, Momma? The sun is up, and you are not in here. Wake up, Momma! I am awake now. You should be, too!!!] MOMMA!"
At 8:45 am, I was backing out of the driveway.
That makes almost three hours of Morning Time.
If you ever want to replicate the time warp that was my morning today, just try the following:
1. Wake up at 3am terrified by a nightmare.
2. Spend the next thirty minutes running emergency scenarios through your mind to prepare for your nightmare - you know, just in case it ever comes true.
3. Realize you will not enjoy sleep ever again unless you pee.
4. Debate whether you really want to get out of bed, walk to the bathroom, turn on the light - which is clearly the worst part of this hypothetical, and address the situation.
5. Confirm that sleep will not come back to you unless you address the situation.
6. As you turn on the light in the bathroom, wonder if peeing is really worth the blurry vision and rapid contraction of your pupil.
7. Feel relief.
8. Stumble to bed.
9. A couple of hours later, hear your near-two-year-old calling you: "MOMMA!"
10. Something, something, something you will never remember, but it probably involved cuddling your squish in the rocking chair.
11. Realize this could all be easier on the couch with a little help from a furry red monster we will call Schmelschmo.
12. Let Schmelschmo work his hypnotic magic on your squish and close your eyes.
13. Something, something, something you will never remember, but it probably involved sleep on the couch.
14. Walk to kitchen and see that it is now 6:50 am.
15. Realize you need to make breakfast, lunches, and coffee - then do so.
16. Dress other people.
17. Start to dress yourself and then indulge in a two-minute shower because you cannot remember your last shower.
18. Dress yourself.
19. Something, something, something you will never remember.
20. See your squish fixate on your bug's rainboots.
21. Ask your bug if your squish can wear his rainboots.
22. Hear your bug say yes and ignore the inkling that as soon as your bug sees your squish in said rainboots all hell will break loose.
23. Listen as all hell breaks loose.
24. Attempt negotiations with your bug.
25. Attempt negotiations with your squish.
26. Take rainboots off of your squish and give them to your bug.
27. Console your squish with a paci that should only be available during naps and nighttime.
28. Something, something, something you will never remember, but it probably involved multiple people brushing their teeth.
29. You are almost done. Your husband packed the car with the three trillion bags you need on a daily basis. Your husband pulled your car to the end of the driveway and even got your bug into his carseat. You are carrying your squish, pulling the door behind you and about to lock it...
30. Your bug calls from the car that he needs a certain book that your husband got him a few weeks ago. You have no idea where the book is. You and your husband think it might be lost in your bedroom somewhere.
31. You put your squish in his carseat, turn around, and go inside to find that freaking book.
32. You search all over your bedroom. You look under the bed three ways til Sunday. You even open drawers of clothes thinking maybe it is hiding in there.
33. You go to the kids' room and look in the drawer under the crib and see a book called "Always in Trouble" and chuckle because you know the Universe is talking to you when you see that particular book.
34. You go to the last place you would ever look: the bookshelves. You are sure it is not there. You nevertheless flip through about ten or fifteen books, and then you find it.
35. On your way to the car, you say to your husband, "You'll never guess where I found this!"
36. You see the clock in the car as you are pulling out of the driveway and get tears in your eyes because you realize that you are going to be late on a day when you should have been early, and you imagine all of the other more organized, routinized moms who know how to get through rainboot crises and who look on bookshelves for books and who don't lose the first fifty minutes of their morning because they were in and out of consciousness next to their children watching Schmelschmo.
37. You drive (and your passengers ride) in silence for the first three minutes of the drive.
38. Your bug looks up from his special book and says, "Thank you, Momma, for getting my book for me!"
39. Your heart melts, and you remember why you risked being five minutes late.