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How does it feel to have three? Don't ask the fish.

Our fish died.



The past two months have been an exhausting blur.

It all started with a trip to the midwife's office for a non-stress test because I was about a week past my [alleged] due date.  Based on the results, I was sent down the hall to get an ultrasound and biophysical profile.  Just to be on the safe side.

At the end of the ultrasound, the radiologist said, "If you were my patient, I would induce you today."
Two minutes later, after that radiologist talked to my midwife, he came up to me in the waiting area and said, "Okay.  You can go up to the fifth floor now."

"Labor and delivery?" I asked.

"Yep," he answered.

As simple as that.  Yep.  As in, yep, you will be giving birth soon.  Yep, a major life event for both you and the baby who is about to be born.  In fact, for the baby who is about to be born, it is pretty much The Life Event To Begin All Life Events.  Yep.  

So I went to the fifth floor that day, and the next morning, we had a whole new, healthy, sweet, wonderful baby in our lives, and we became a family of five.

Two months later, I was getting a drink of water and remembering a recent conversation with my husband:

Husband: "Just so we're clear . . . there is no way we are getting a dog for at least seven to ten years, right?"

Me: "Yes.  I mean, the fish is probably going to die soon, if we are being really honest with ourselves."

And I was right.  How right, I don't know.  Frankly, the fish could have already died when I was uttering that little truth gem.

It wasn't until several days later that I got myself that drink of water, remembering my husband's wise words -- I looked in the tank and saw that our fish had left this mortal coil.

I expected to feel some kind of grief or at least guilt.  Perhaps a better rested, kinder, or more capable person would have blamed herself just a little bit. 

But at the time I lacked the energy to mourn a betta fish we had bought two years ago at a pet store. 

And, apparently, I lacked the energy to feed a betta fish that we had bought two years ago at a pet store.

So all I could think was, "Oh dear God - now I have to clean that up and dispose of the body."